Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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