just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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