Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
