Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
