My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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