There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
