All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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