Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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