Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
