I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
