the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
