It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
