Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
