I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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