Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
