I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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