My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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