I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
