You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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