Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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