you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
