I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why do cheetos always look like penises
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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