i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
