if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I think my fart just growled at me.
we made out on top of his cat.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
