I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
