This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
ttyl tear gas
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
