She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
