I accidentally had phone sex last night
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
