I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize