he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Randomize
