i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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