Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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