so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
