You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
