I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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