thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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