Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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