For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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