I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
