Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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