hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
