I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
