if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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