He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
