Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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