maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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