The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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