Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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