Can Purell be used as lube?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My breasts were aching with rage.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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