New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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