You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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