I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
