I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
