You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
how does that bad decision feel?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
