apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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