I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Pooping to opera.
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