Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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