i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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